The hardest thing is to accept that the person you're in love with is no longer the same.

Whatever you once thought of him is different. It's hard.

But what if you look at it in another way? What if the changes are not as bad as you think? They're not too drastic. Sure, the guy you're comfortable with is different but if you can open up your mind to accept all the changes, it's not too bad afterall.

It's like..you're falling in love again. All over again. But with the same person. Well, sort of. Heh.

Everyone knows falling in love is a good feeling and I'm liking it.

I'm reallly liking it. (;

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After reading your latest tweet, I am more and more convinced that you're not the same Nabil anymore.

It pains me so much to say all this. I miss my Nabil so much. I've noticed the changes bit by bit but I kept telling myself it's okay. But when I really start to think, I cannot help but recall how sweet and simple minded my Nabil was.

I miss that boy so much. So fcuking much. I'm just going to cry all over again. Where the hell did he go? What happened?

Do you remember how simple our relationship was before? When all we wanted was to meet each other, find the cheapest places to eat or we share meals and such. You don't mind listening to all my rants and we just spend time together. I cannot even recall when it all started to change. You start to get more ambitious. You aim for too much in life. When we go out, it's nothing simple anymore. You're always buying stuffs that you shouldn't even be able to afford at this age. We still have fun but it's not simple and sweet anymore.

Was it from the internship period? I guess so.

It has just occurred to me that we're so different. And for that, I'm willing to let this go. We're not meant for each other. We have different aims in life. I thought that you will be the one I can share everything in life with but I thought wrong. Yet again, I made the wrong choice.

All I want him to do is to change for me. If he love me enough, he will want to be the best for me. During the early stages of our relationship, he said he will always try to be the best for me. But how did he show to prove himself right? Haven't I tried enough to be the best for him? Remember when I was temperamental and I throw tantrums easily and he didn't like it? I changed for him. Go back to my posts several pages back. I mentioned that I changed for him.

I asked him to do the same for me but he won't. That is apparently his real side. So why did he acted like a nice guy for the past 3.5 years? How in the world is that fair to me? I really care for him, it's hurting me so bad that the Nabil I'm in love with does not exist.

It's just not fair. Why is this happening to me? I just wish Nabil will read this space. But does he care enough to change for me? Or will he still be too stubborn to see that he's in the wrong?

Does he know that I've already forgiven him for hurting me? But why am I forgiving him when he didn't even apologise to me? That's just the freaking fault with me. Why do I keep forgiving people? Is it really a love so strong or am I being stupid and weak? Oh my God. I really need time to think.

All I'm hoping for is for him to try to mend his ways and change for me. We can try better if we can change. But if he's not willing to change, still stubborn, still thinking that he's right then I know I have no place with him anymore.

Dear God, please open up Nabil's heart to change for the better. We both have to change for the better. If there's a way we can start afresh, I want it to be a simple relationship. Nothing like before anymore. It's too much.

Please God. I want another chance with Nabil. Just one more chance. If things go wrong again, then let it be a lesson learnt. Then we'll know for sure we must let go.

Why is our relationship getting more complicated? We're 20, for God's sake. We should be having fun and not think about this shits. Sigh.

:'(

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Things are getting really rocky between N and I. For once, I'm too tired to try and make it okay. I'm just too hurt. I'm too hurt and disappointed this time round.

Throughout this whole 3.5 years of relationship, there's not one time that I never try to make things right if we're going through a rough patch. Be it my fault or his fault. But he's gone too far this time and I all I can feel in my heart is all the hurt, the accumulated hurt I've been feeling for the 3.5 years.

I've been too strong the past few years. Forgiving him for every single mistake he did without even thinking twice. Maybe that's why he took it all for granted. I don't know. I'm tired to even think.

If things were to end between us, then okay. I cannot stop it from happening anymore. It's bound to happen sooner or later. Although I wish for it to happen much later, I cannot stop it anymore.

My boyfriend is a changed guy now. I cannot even see the N I'm in love with. The one I fell in love with was way too long ago, he changed but I still love him despite the changes. But what he's becoming now, I cannot accept it.

Loving someone means you have to accept everything about the person. I cannot make myself accept him the way he is now, so I don't deserve to love him. Right?

I kept crying and asking myself why must all this only happen now? Doesn't he know that I care so much for him? I told him yesterday that he's not only my boyfriend, he's the one I talk to most and the one that I rely on and his reply was, he feels like it's all a burden to him. A burden?

If things don't work out between Nabil and I, I am not going to fall in love again. Atleast not till a few years. I'm so tired. If this is how guys are, I am really going to be commitment phobic after this.

Whatever it is, the 3.5 years was not totally grey skies throughout. We had loads of good moments together and I guess I will always keep those memories with me no matter what. This guy was the one who helped me through my toughest times. That's the one thing I will never forget. I can forget all our dates and moments together but I will always appreciate the fact that he was always there for me when I was moving on from S.

I'm going to miss him a lot if he goes away one day. He deserves someone who can accept him as he is. I'm sad it's all coming to an end.

I really don't know how we're going to work things out again cos this time round, I'm too tired to try again. If he care and love me enough, he will try and change. If not, I know where I stand with him. I am afterall a burden to him.

Sigh.

Goodbye lj.

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I've never cried that hard before.

I'm so tired. So tired. So tired of people disappointing me, tired of disappointing others, tired of being strong for others, putting up a brave front, not crying in front of others and taking whatever that comes my way in my stride.

The past few days, it's been the last straw for me. No, actually today was. I just cannot take the hurt and disappointment anymore. I cried and cried and cried. It feels so good to finally let it all out. I always tell myself things will get better but I've waited long enough.

I'm so tired of being strong for him and he just cannot see what I've done for him. I'm a girl afterall. No matter how many times of "it's okay, never mind", he still don't get what I've done and what I've kept inside me for so long.

Can't he see how disappointed I am with how things are? Can't he see that I'm not showing my disappointment because I know he's feeling down at the moment? So I'm trying to be strong for him. But who is being strong for me right now? It's so so painful to know that your efforts are not being appreciated.

I'm so tired, dear God. I'm really so tired of acting like I'm strong when I'm not. I just want to cry and throw tantrums and get what I want! It's not okay if I don't get what I want. Everyone else get things their way. So why can't I ask for the same? Cos I always give in to people.

I'm tired. Period. And I'm going to cry again.

I'm done. The post doesn't make sense but it does to me. I'm glad I have this space to let it all out and I know for sure no one reads this lj.

Thanks lj.

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Useless.

I honestly feel so useless. I don't know at which part I went wrong but nothing is working out for me anymore. After next week, I am done with poly. Then from there, sigh. I don't know what I want to do anymore after this. I cannot see what is up ahead for me and I'm alone in this cos it's my life. I can't expect for help from anyone else.

I've never felt so lonely and scared before. I really don't want to have people looking down on me. I always ask myself why. Why did things turn out like this for me?

Have I not been putting in enough effort?
Have I not tried enough?
Where did I go wrong?

And to see everyone around me doing well and having plans to look forward to in the future. As for me, the one thing I am so sure I want to do in life, I don't think I will be able to get it.

I'm feeling so low and I don't talk to anyone about this. What can I say? That for me, all I can see is a dead end after my poly is done. I deserve so much more than this.

I know I do. I know what I've done throughtout my years in poly. I'm sorry everyone is dumb enough to not see my efforts.

I'm such a failure. And nothing in the world hurts me more than admitting that.

My parents never had high expectations of me, but I still feel like I let them down.

I don't know how to talk to anyone about this, not even to A and M.

And N..he's the last person I want to talk to about this. I'm lucky to have a boyfriend like him. Everything, in all aspects of his life, is working out for him. And I just feel so nonsense when I'm next to him. When I look at him and the plans that he have for the future, I know he deserves so much better than me. And he will, one day.

Sigh, anyway. I just hope that I will get that last option. I'll be thankful enough. I really pray that I'll be able to get that.

Please, I want something to work out for me. For once. Please.

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Hi lj.

I kind of figured out that N doesn't read this certain space of mine. Even if he did, then he just don't care much.

I'm certainly getting better at this. I know when to switch my thoughts from this to that. I know how to control that achy feeling in my chest. It's feeling better too.

I'm not trying to say anything. I will always wait for him no matter what. Like I said before in one of my recent posts, we still have too much going on for us to let this go.

So, let's just wait till things are better. I'm still hurt by his actions but I forgive people easily. It'll get better one day. Maybe it'll be a couple of days more, a few weeks, or till the whole semester is over. I don't know what to expect. The worst is if decides he's better off without me, but I will not let my mind go there yet.

I just want to text him, but it won't make things better. I have an ability to piss him every single time we talk so I should just shut up. Sigh. We'll just go back to square one if I text him. We'll fight again, he'll get pissed, I will start crying and it's the whole cycle all over again.

I must have the strength to go through this no matter what. I just can't wait for the day when things will get better. I just won't put too much hope into it.

Anyway, I'm done for today.

Dear God, please continue to give me strength to go through this. InsyaAllah, things will get better soon.

Goodbye.

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Everyday, I wake up thinking that the day will be the day when things get better. But every night I go to sleep, wishing I didn't put such high hopes on that day.

I think I might never forgive you for this pain you're causing me.

It hurts so bad. It's so heartbreaking. It reminds me way too much of my past.

But he went missing without saying a word. And you, left and told me to wait. Till when, what for, why?

Whatever it is, both left me hanging just like that. Do I honestly deserve this kind of treatment from all the guys I'm in a relationship with?

I never ever thought of myself as that bad of a girlfriend but somehow, I'm the one who always ends up being treated this way. Then what about all the really awful girlfriends out there? Do I deserve this?

Yes, I can understand why he needs the time. But I'm here for him, I'm willing to hear him out, I'm willing to talk things out. If only he allowed that.

Please, I'm not mentally strong for this. I gave up with S, I don't want to give up on you. So please, read this, and please think twice about letting us being like this go on.

Don't tell me it's only been one week and I'm already like this. I can let you have your own little drama and let this drag on forever while you do your thinking. But everyone have feelings. I spared a thought for your feelings by leaving you alone for a few days.
Spare a thought for mine too.

This one week is so hurtful. I can try to continue and pretend to be okay but it's hurting okay? If you can still be okay with the thought that you're hurting me with your actions, then I don't know what to say. Honestly, do you need more time than this? Sigh.

I'm capable of understanding, I'm capable of making a compromise. You always told me how nice that you have an understanding girlfriend. Sure, I was a bit too clingy the past two weeks but really? We could have just talked things out.

Before this drags on for too long and I get too upset to even care, please come back and make things right. I wake up in the middle of the night to see if I have any text. I check my phone all the time. It's annoying cos I cannot let my mind be too preoccupied by this.

Will you do this for me? Just forget everything? Or are you too happy with this newly found "freedom"? See, this is what I mean by leaving me hanging. I don't know whether you'll come back or you're happy now. Sigh.

Goodnight everyone. I hope to wake up tmr and not have that heavy feeling in my chest.

If there is still nothing after this, I will really try my best to not care anymore. I'm tired. Nights.

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I don't know what to feel anymore.

Each second, I have the urge to text but I told myself not to. Part of me just want to know how he's doing, but I really need to be strong.

I wonder when will this be over. How is it going to end? Will I just crumble and text him first or will I really wait till he talks to me again.

Sigh.

I wonder if he's still upset or if he's okay with us being like this. I wonder if he have the urge to text me like how I'm forever itching to text. I wonder if he still keep me in his thoughts no matter what he's doing.

Surprising to know that it's only been a couple of days but I'm already like this. Sigh. Maybe, I will get better in a few days or so.

To make things worse, tmr is the 6th. Our 33rd. It hurts even more when I think of our 32nd month together. Just one month ago, everything was so..perfect. Sort of.

This is annoying. I must really try to be stronger.

I'm starting to get real pissed with myself. Yes, he's my boyfriend of almost 3 years and it's natural to feel sad that it's like this now. But if he's fine, I shouldn't be moping around. I must stop looking at my phone every minute.

I must stop expecting him to text anytime soon. This is N we're talking about. He's not going to give in so fast. If he wants time, it won't be anytime soon.

The whole point of the time apart is exactly because of this. I'm too needy. Till he can see I'm fine without him, he won't come back.

Sigh. I hope this will be the last of my lj entry about him.

Must stop being like this.

Just don't forget about me please.

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They said time heals all pain. True enough. So can time please move faster for me? I am struggling every second I'm breathing. Huhhhh, melodramatic much.

Just want my heart to stop aching. I keep having to occupy myself with something to do. Any second my mind is free to wander, I'll feel the pain and hurt again.

Why am I so weak?

So time, please move faster. I miss him, I really do. He's pissed that I rely too much on him, burden him with my problems, pestering him to meet at every available time that we both have.

But doesn't he realise he's the one that I talk to most each day? The one I tell about my day to. The one who listens or pretends to listen, wtv. The point is, he's like my best friend too.

So it's double the pain for me. I just want this to be over but I want him to have a peace of mind before he decides to come back. I understand the pressure of the final semester, soccer, that he's facing but his studies especially is getting to him. I want him to be able to do well and if that means not having me around, so be it.

I miss him so much but I got to learn to control it.

Seems like I am going to update my lj frequently huh.

N, whatever you're doing, wherever you are etc., please take good care of yourself okay.

If things are meant to be, it will be. I understand. We're both still young. Anything can happen.

It's weird that I don't have you to talk to anymore. You know how much I enjoy talking. I have so much to tell you.

Sigh.

I better go get something to occupy my mind with. Shall meet again when I start to let my mind wander again, lj.

Goodbye.

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There are just certain things I don't feel good mentioning on twitter due to various reasons.

One would be because I don't want him to look down on me for being so weak and immature.
Two because I don't want the whole world to know what is going on in my life, in his, and what happened to the both us.

Still find it hard to believe that all the times we tried so hard to just hold on to this relationship has all gone to waste. We finally gave in cos we're just too mentally and emotionally tired for this.

I wasn't prepared for this, never was. Never ever expected such things to happen. I honestly believed I've been a good enough companion for him. But there are just some things that will never be enough no matter how much we tried. Both of us, we still have issues we need to work on.

Both us have gone through several rough patch but we always made it through. Why not this one too?

The time away will do us good. I'm sure. I won't shed a single tear cos crying will mean I'm admitting defeat. By admitting defeat, it means that I think he would never come back to me. I'm sure this will blow over soon. He'll clear up his thoughts and soon enough, he'll be back. And when that time comes, then I will allow myself to cry.

It's not going to be so easy for me. I have not had a day apart from him since October 2008. It's a long time. It's unfamiliar to me and it just shows how much I've been depending on him. I need to give him his space. I need to breathe too. I need to learn to stop constantly worrying about him, about us.

We've been through way too much to let this affect us so badly. We'll find a way to be happy again someday. I'm never going to pester him to come back. I'll wait, no matter what. I know we still have so much in store for us. We promised way too much to each other and though we never promised forever, we promised to still stay together until a long time from now.

I'll cling on to all these and I'm not going to be weak. I must always be strong and I must never ever cry. I won't be so immature as to let this affect me and my life. I need to learn to be more independent.

I can do this. I'm going to be strong for myself. This will blow over, insyaAllah. I will never want anything bad to happen to us.

It'll be okay soon.

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